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life has been rough. i live with my husband and we love each other. however, we both have real bad depression and anxiety to the point we're out of energy to be able to support each other. it's sad. sometimes i think about how nice it'd be just to quit everything. leave my husband, leave my friends, leave my family and just live by myself in hotel rooms, doing whatever i want until my savings run out and i decide to kill myself.
that sounds like the best thing ever. i spent my whole life being worried about the future, thinking my whole life i had to accumulate as much money as i can before so i can retire and live a peaceful life. but i don't think that's happening. i hate my job. i'm not rich and the world is getting more and more hostile.
i've been in therapy for a while now and i understand a lot about myself that i didn't. as a result, i just feel like i've been living a life that wasn't meant for me. i lived with my grandparents as a kid. life was fine. i was never physically abused, but i was emotionally neglected. i grew up and, although i'm a functioning adult in theory (i have a job and stuff), i don't have the basic skills to live an adult life, like dealing with responsibilities, routine, taking care of myself and stuff. i've only recently started to learn what is to really love and support someone since i started living with my husband. it's been a wonderful experience, but i don't know how much longer our relationship will go on. and, if we actually break up, i don't think i want to spend energy gathering the pieces and rebuilding a life. i think the idea of living a couple of months the way i want is better than living 40 more years being forced to live the way it's expected from me. because of everything that happened to me as a child and a teenager, i'm not properly equipped for that.
a lot of people think suicide is horrible and life is priceless. i understand a lot of people have a lot to life for, their hopes and dreams. i don't have those. i'm almost 40 now. i don't see the same value in my life as others see in theirs. why am i supposed to force myself to live an empty life, with this anxiety about my marriage, about my future, about the world. i don't want to see what the world will become in like 5 or 10 years. i really hope things get better, but i don't have enough faith in humanity to believe it will.
typing about me like this is weird. i very rarely do this. i don't make posts on social media (i barely use social media), i don't have a lot of friends (mostly because i grew distant from the friends i had - i always had trouble maintaining relationships with other people). also, this is a topic that's taboo to talk about. if i talk to it to my husband, he'll understandably be terrified and concerned about me. if i talk about it to my therapist, she's going to
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