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Paranoia is a natural ability that has been filtered through a negative lens. It's a positive energy - one of intelligence and ability to recognize misalignments in an otherwise harmonious pattern. You have to learn to deal with extreme "paranoia" to be able to live a full life - accept it gracefully and appreciate it! Many people are simply too dull to appreciate it. You have been given a gift, but many times only the ones that appreciate them gifts are then allowed to receive them again. Squander it and you will one day wake up without as much as recall of once having been given a it at all.
Yes, the end is always near by and always has been. It's better to live with this awareness than without it. Because it makes life beautiful.
Yes, friends and girlfriends can be a downer. But cutting them off only makes sense in terms of labwork - like a scientist you are testing the extremes. I'd retreat, but not cut others off and I'd show up if summoned - even if only low key and for a brief while. Another point is that kindness is actually something that a wise person sees the value of. It's not worthless, I'm fairly confident of that. Service is even more valuable perhaps - purer, simpler, but kindness is not worthless either - I do think so.
Stop reaching out maybe, but don't be ungrateful for whatever support they are willing and able to give. Especially don't be ungrateful for whatever offer of camaraderie or friendship - EVEN if it's only tied to survival and material wellbeing - for a bodily being like yourself - that is actually huge and if you say it's not - try not breathing for 3 minutes or not eating for 48 hours. That breath of fresh air sure does taste good donnit? Depends on the person of course, but my point is still valid - even if a friendship was solely based on the support of each other's survival - it's still somewhat of a deep friendship especially if there wasn't lies involved. You don't have to be hella passionate about your friendships or acquaintances (that are based on more than mere interaction, but SOME assumption of common benevolence), hell you can almost give no fucks about it at all, but DO NOT be unappreciative of them for you are still flesh and bone piece of work and you don't want to be humbled in a way that is not warm and forgiving.
Anyway, it sounds like you are doing great, so I'd just relax and replace the feeling of doom with a feeling of spaciousness, a feeling of serenity - that's what all those things may inspire in you. Especially aloneness (as opposed to loneliness).
Being ended is a beautiful thing. Forget what society has taught you and look at your own heart, what it is telling you this is.
Also you WOULD enjoy all that social stuff, affection etc if you were with someone who wasn't actually a bummer, but that just has to do with the civilization we chose to be born in. Make some friends among the stars. There's plenty. Soon enough they will be more than just in our dreams and imaginations. Or make friends with the forests and streams and the sky. Or art. Or whatever weird and fascinating thing in physical reality or the great infinity.
But yeah, a sense of peace or even just a sense of calmness and some beautiful shimmering here and there is more than plenty. I agree. "Friends" can often be more noise than signal. But there is appropriate timing and appropriate allocation of attention and passion for everything. You are unique and your path is unique.
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