I took her on a burn cruise, because she was cute and we both liked weed.
So we finished the first bowl, and I said something like, do you want to pack another one, and then I looked over at her
I think what she actually said was like i dunno man, it's your weed
But honestly it was like
I looked at her and she looked at me, and it was like a tesseract
It was infinite, and always shifting, and always subtle and overt at the same time.
And I saw complexity, and simplicity and everything coming together into this final, decisive, and ultimate, acceptance. It was like she saw past the person that I had been trying to be for so long, and I felt like for the first time...
For the only time, in that broken ass piece of my nonsensical life, somebody had finally seen through to the chaos that I had been fighting for years at that point.
I think of that as the moment I fell in love with her. By the time I admitted it to myself, it was just too late. Or something. I told myself, maan, you fall in love at the drop of a hat. As soon as one girl rejects you you're chasing after the next. Don't do that to her. It's time to stop the loop. And I decided to give up any chance of being with her. And I took that time and effort and put it towards not. And that's what happened.
And that inevitably led to the cooresponding moment, standing in a supermarket in Montana; looking at her messages and knowing that I would regret my decision probably for the rest of my life. And I still do.

Happy Birthday M.
I hope you're well.